I didn't know it was possible to be this uncomfortable in these post Two Girl, One Cup times

A few weeks ago I was invited to see my friends daughter, Bri, do Stand-Up Comedy. I have always had a secret fantasy of doing stand-up but have been terrified that the audience would NOT actually have a sense of humor and would think I was stupid because they were too dumb to understand why kids hurting themselves was funny. I have visions of me telling my favorite abortion joke and someone standing up, glitter bombing me and yelling “I’m going home to look at cats on the internet!!!!! At least THAT is funny”. Since glitter is the herpes of the arts and crafts world, my glitter herpes would serve as my scarlet letter and be a constant reminder that everybody else in the world has no concept of funny and that I am truly alone in the world. I was curious to see someone go up on stage and seemingly not care about being glitter bombed. So.....

I agreed to go and after sitting in the audience of 8 people for 30 minutes hearing people ruin my night 4 minutes at a time, I realized my fear of doing stand-up was insane since I could go on stage and die, and it would be more funny that most of these people. The other “comics” were so bad that, I started getting nervous for Bri. Her father told me she was funny, but was that like the time my mom told me I was the best dancer in the recital even though I tripped 3 times and fell off the stage? Parents lie. Bri got up on stage and to my relief, she was actually funny. She is a cute white girl with an acoustic guitar and she sings about testicular caner, paraplegics, and Tim Tebow's imaginary friend. My fears about being the only one to understand life slipped away as she spoke about punching blind people in the face.

A few weeks later, I was told that Bri was booked for an 8 minute set and agreed she was funny enough to go watch again. I showed up to the bar early to maximize my consumption of alcohol work on my relationship with Vodka and when her and her family got there, she was told that the bar had double booked the stage with an Underground Hip Hop Open Mic night. I started looking around at the crowd and realized that 8 Mile had come to the Lower East Side. The 300lb woman in the skin tight, red, mostly sheer mini dress that was MC’ing all the “rappers”, agreed that Bri could still have the stage for her 8 minutes. Looking at the crowd, I figured no one in their right mind would put them selves through this.... UNTIL, Bri says “I’m gonna do it! This is going to be great experience of bombing on stage”.

It was at this point that I realized Bri had more testicle than anyone I had ever met in my life. It was equivalent to Steven Slater going to work and having the balls to quit his job by pulling the emergency slide on the plane, only looking back to grab the beer.

It was almost time for her to go on stage, so we all headed down to the basement. The room was packed and performers were on stage “rapping” about “Bitches sucking my dick”, over and over and over and over again. It was only slightly awkward being the only white people walking into the room, it was a little more awkward when someone in our party showed their whiteness by loudly saying “I have always seen these dresses in stores and wondered who the hell bought them, now I know”, but it was a level of awkwardness I had never experienced knowing that Bri was about to go on stage with an acoustic guitar to sing about Jesus not existing to a crowd of hyped up hip hop fans. I was nervous to watch the serious cultural differences that were about to play out.

The loud, monotonous beats stopped and Bri took the stage. Silence overtook room and Bri performed 2 songs while the audience yelled “Is she serious?”, “What is this white girl doing?”, “This is the craziest shit I have ever seen”. Even though there was a moment where she had some soul sisters singing the word “Paraplegic” with her, the whole experience was completely uncomfortable. She proceed to sing for the longest 8 minutes of all our lives while looking completely calm and cool. It was at that moment that I realized Bri would have balls the size of Chuck Norris', if Chuck Norris had elephantitis of the balls.

Bri is my hero and should be yours too.... Now go watch her video:



*This is not a video from that night, the people laughing in the background actually understand how funny she is.