LEGO hurts the heart WAY more than it hurts your feet.

I have a friend coming in town for her birthday.  I am aware that her sole goal in life is to have Wil Wheaton's babies in a dirty, dirty way celebrate her birthday at LEGO Land.  I am a good friend, so I decided to do what I could to make magic happen... turns out magic is just for snotty nosed, jam hand spawn and soup:

______________________________________ 

To:LEGO Land
From: me

Hi LEGO Land!!!! 

I would like to inquire if you have any options for a birthday party for an adult at LEGO Land.  I have friend coming to visit from NY (where happiness does not exist) and would like to show her a great LEGO GOOD time for her birthday.  She LOVES LEGOs!!  This would be the best present ever.  (She once made a birthday cake out of LEGOs, it was red, green and blue and was pretty hard to chew).  Your website only shows child options for birthday's.  This is strange, since even your logo is only BIG letters.

Are there options for adults?

Thanks for any information,

Me

______________________________________ 

To: Me

From: LEGO Land

 

Hello!

Our facility is structured around children  3-12 years of age. Upon entering and exiting the center, all adults must be accompanied with a child and all children must be accompanied by an adult. I apologize if this may cause any inconvenience. Have a blessed day!

Lego Land Nazi

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To: LEGO Land
From: Me

Dearest LEGO Land,

Well..... this is really sad news!  It sounds like you are saying that, as a LEGO Lover for over 3 decades, I can not enjoy the joys of LEGO Land if I have made a personal choice not to breed.  It should be noted that I made this personal choice solely based on the fact that I didn't want to share my LEGOs with any children. (I love Lego's THAT much!)

I once built a LEGO bird house that was big enough for a Pterodactyl, it made for the best front yard in the neighborhood, until a neighborhood kid came and dismantled it with his feet.  That is another reason I do not feel you should trust children. 

I would like to suggest that you change you policy and make LEGO Land an adult only playground where those of us that truly enjoy the plastic pieces of colored joy can come and be around like other like individuals.

While you are fixing your corporate policies, would it acceptable within your current policy, if I built a Lego child and brought it as my +1?

 

Thanks,

Me

..... I am still awaiting a response. 

Putting the Ass in Classy, since 1978

It is slightly possible that would be a small exaggeration to call me the pinnacle of class and good decisions, but I try to keep it classy whenever I can.  I do not get nearly enough credit for the times when I make a good decisions.  Everyone always wants to focus on the time I wore rolled up jean shorts, a hot pink scrunchie, knee high purple argyle socks and a t-shirt that had a pig face on the front and a pig butt on the back when I lost my virginity on a job interview... and that time I got accused of a hate crime for throwing a My Size Barbie out the car window at that midget.... but even in that situation, I was classy enough to dress Barbie in her fanciest prom dress.... and that time I found a boyfriend in a Denny's parking lot... and that time I sang karaoke to "Ring of Fire" at a gay wedding.

Everyone wants to focus on the negatives, but I make AT LEAST 3 great decisions a day. For example, right now I am wearing my K*Mart tiara, eating squeeze cheese from the whip-it can and drinking the finest bottle of gas station Merlot.  That is 3 GREAT decisions I made back to back!!!  (We all know that wine and cheese is the way classy girls get shitfaced).   In fact, today....I did NOT make a fart joke in a meeting, I did not run into traffic wearing a superman cape, I did not join the Scott Baio fan club, I didn't punch anyone in the face and I didn't show my boobs to the homeless man at the gas station. That is a ton of good decisions I, very consciously, made today, but do I get credit for them?... NO!  This is the exact opposite OK, which, if my calculation is correct, equals bulls***.  I earn a "Good Decision Making" trophy daily, only I never get my trophy.  Everyone should recognize that ..... and spend their time focusing on the fact that Steve Sanders is now a  49 year old Chippendale Dancer.