You Look Like Little Birds Helped You Get Dressed

You may have noticed an absence here lately, and that would be because I have fallen madly in love with a trucker named Bubba I have recently been sucked into a black hole of suckage. I know, I know, you look at my life and say "hey, your life kicks a**, you got 432 multi-color, super bendy straws for you birthday which guarantees that you can use one straw a day and your friend Vodka will be delivered to your liver in the most funky way for the next 1.18 years (unless I decide to share with a guest, which is unlikely because in order to earn the right to one of my bendy straws you pretty much need to give me a midget that is comfortable living in a closet when he is not conducting dance parties and making tasty beverages to go with my bendy straws)".

Anyway, back to the suckage. There has been a whole lot of suckage going on lately, but today I woke up with a new outlook. I decided that I am not going to let the ill mannered boss, or the constant sewage smell at work, or the fact that Richard Simmons is stalking me bring me down anymore. I have tried everything lately. My tiara only offers moments of relief and, on average, I am having to do a 10 second dance party every 1/2 hour, which means last week at work I danced it out for a total of 800 seconds. I try really hard to hide my dancing secret at work, but lately I am running to my office, closing the door and coming out in 10 seconds with sweat on my face. People are starting to talk. Time has come, for me to get serious.


There is a well known fact, to people that know it, that Socks are a great coping skill. I only wear Mary Janes to work, so I have a good view of my socks everyday. Normally I am conservative with my neutral colored stripes that match my outfit, but on days when I need to perk up or when I have a meeting I do not want to be a part of or when I need to divert my inner rage, I will act out. Today I am wearing my rainbow socks, which I have already been told this morning do not match what I am wearing, which I find to be the most ridiculous thing since these socks have every color on them and I know for a fact my sweater matches AT LEAST one of these colors.

Just when I think i am alone in all my behavioral techniques, I get to work and start playing Scrabble doing really important work things, when I look down at my work friends' shoes and notice he is wearing these. I think it is his subtlety that makes us friends.

Porn and Grandparents, Do Not Mix

I was going through the new releases on Netflix..... oh, you didn't know? I will be 32 this weekend and, naturally, this means I start planning my wild weekends no later than Wednesday by pulling out the trusty whirl-E- gig laptop while sucking on my Werther's Original and filling my movie queue on Netflix. Anyway, as I was going through the new releases, I saw Lonesome Dove and was shot back into "Traumatic Memory Zone".

I have watched Lonesome Dove exactly 1 time in my life. I was a kid, about 7 years old, and I was staying at my grandparents house for a bit of the summer. They loved watching boring, crappy movies, in all their Technicolor glory. Staying with the grand'rents would always lead to a boring night where I would lay on the floor in my perfectly constructed blanket fort, built out of fleece and dining room chairs, in front of the TV and watch whatever my grandma would want to watch that night (because no one argued with grams, those were the rules). One night, her selection was a Western/tragedy/romantic flick called Lonesome Dove. It was a miniseries, so on VHS that meant a 2 NIGHT EVENT!!!! I sat and watched this movie with my grams and gramps for 2 nights, almost 6 hours, AND THEN....... there was a scene with a red headed woman where she was not wearing any clothes and there was a man on top of her.......

....and to this day, all I remember about this miniseries is that there is a sex scene with a red headed woman. I was so traumatized by this scene, that I didn't move until the credits rolled because even though I was young, I was smart enough to know that it is a bit awkward to watch porn with your grandparents. I must have amazing defense mechanisms, because I had blocked that memory for 25 years.

Boys Will Do Anything For Cookies.

Matt and I went out for lunch and had a few beers. On the way to the train we see a Blood Drive bus.

Matt: Hey want to go give blood and get all f***ed up?
Me: Will they take our blood if we have been drinking?
Matt: That is the game... we can't tell them that part.
Me: Well I am anemic and they won't take my blood, but do you think they still give free t-shirts, because I would get one for trying and that would totally be worth it.
Matt: We could get free shirts, feel light headed AND get free COOKIES!!