Pigeons, Midgets, and Old ladies... oh my.

I spent the Thankyouday holiday with Matt's family. This morning we found ourselves sitting in DC at Union Station waiting for our delayed train back to NYC. Amtrak fails to tell anyone what the delay is or how long it will be, and in times like these I tend to take matters into my own hands. I went and asked the customer service desk how long they thought it would be before our train would take me home. The man replied, "your train hit something about an hour away, it is moving and will be two hours late". Naturally, and out of full concern, I asked "was it a gang of midgets?!?!". He stared at me for a minute as if he was shocked that I somehow had insider information. He remained silent, so I finally said thanks, and as I turned to walk away, I assured him that I would pour out some of my vodka on the train for all the fallen midget homies.

I went back to my seat, between the Victoria's Secret and the McDonald's and patiently waited, while giggling at the irony of those two stores being next to each other. Once I got back to where Matt was sitting, we decided it was time for the game that he makes me play when ever we find ourselves in these situations. We call it, "Practice Patience" and it involves me challenging the all old ladies in the crowd on who can maintain patience longer. He implemented this rule after the now infamous "getting off a cruise ship incident". We decided that we would practice our patience by taking odds on who would would be shit on by the nasty pigeon that was flying around the station. (that is good luck you know) I was hoping someone on my train would would be the target so the train would come sooner. It was about an hour after the train was supposed to have left that a woman approached an Amtrak worker that was speaking to a female cop.

Lady: I am not sure you are aware, but there is a pigeon flying around in here and they carry disease!
Amtrak worker: yea, it's a train station lady
Lady: but there are kids here, and people eating at McDonalds....
Me: Oh No! You mean to tell me that McDonald's might be serving shit. I am appalled!!!!
Cop: listen lady, I tried to shoot it for the last lady that complained about it, but they gave me a week off without pay, so financially speaking, i can't offer to do that again.
Lady: *looking back at her husband with fumes coming out of her ears* I tried.
Cop: ...and thank you for that effort.

This is when I saw the fire in the old lady's eyes and looked at Matt and said "Aw Snap, she loses".

And the winner is.....

I just saw an ad for The Miss Universe Pageant for next Monday. I am not one to bet on things, but does anyone know a bookie willing to let me bet on this one?

I am almost positive Earth will win. The other universes don't even try.

Now You See Him, Now You Don't....Because He Ate Your Eyeballs

A few nights ago, I thought I had started hallucinating. It was different than the time Charlie Chaplin sat down next me and asked if I wanted to watch Mariah Carey's Glitter**. This was more like shadows in the corner of my eye. I kept it to myself since last time I was unemployed, I sat at home and convinced myself that I had some pretty serious issues. Finally, my aliments had escalated to the point I had to tell Matt that I had self diagnosed my Meningitis. His only reply to this serious news was "you need a job". (Don't worry, it turns out my neck was just sore due to sitting in the same position to watch court tv. Once I varied my seating positions, my Meningitis cleared right up). I saw the shadow a few times, but finally I happened to be looking at the wall when I saw the shadow materialize into a mouse.

Me: I am pretty sure we have a mouse or a REALLY fast tiny midget, his name is Houdini and he wants to eat my face off and make a victory flag out of my scalp!
Matt: Why can you not stay home from work without going crazy? You need a job.

I think we can all agree that Matt COMPLETELY overreacted to the situation.

It was 2 nights later that I see a shadow and see Matt jump up in his chair. Houdini had run along the wall and went behind the TV.

Matt: OMG, there he is!
Me: Hide your face!
Matt: I just need you to know that I might have jumped because he surprised me, but I am 86% sure that if it came to a head to head battle, I would win.

The problem now is that Matt gets up and goes to work and I am left home alone with Houdini. It wasn't long until I realized that the 80's had prepared me for this very moment. I spent the morning deconstructing my living room fort so I could use the extra pillows to form a walled walkway from the tv to door. I then sat on the couch and threw a bouncy ball at the wall to scare him out into the tunnel, where he would run out down the pillow tunnel, and out the front door. I am hoping it works soon, because stage 2 involves intimidating outfits and I have no clue where to get a cat costume in July.

** For the record I have never watched Glitter!

Don't worry, Radio Star... The Video Star will get his.

Here is a list of totally useless things I was forced to learn that are now just useless things I carry with me to make me feel old.

Spelling- OMG, WTF!! No 1 spells wrds N-E-more. I haven't had to spell a word correctly on my own in 15 years. Why would I? There is an aggressive red line that shows up under any error I make. Isn't that gr8?

Phonics- It only took me 2 years of being hooked on phonics before I realized I was the only idiot speaking correctly.

"You have to work hard to get rewards"- I learned that there was one winner and a bunch of losers in every competition. I learned that I was not owed something, just because I showed up. I learned that I would have to follow a winner into an alley and beat them up and steal their trophy in order to own one. Now teachers just change grades to assure each kid passes, even the kid in out field picking his nose gets a trophy and everyone gets to eat the pizza on "Pizza Friday" whether they finished their BOOK IT list or not.

Writing Essays- They were ALWAYS more than 150 characters. I prove my point.

Dewey Decimal System- I had to know which tiny wooden drawer to open and then which one of the 500 index cards in it would lead me to information on forming my occult in 3rd grade. Not to mention, as soon as I found all the books I needed, I was allowed to play Oregon Trail. With only 3 computers for a class of 13, it was in my best interest to get good at locating books so I didn't have to stand on the side and scream "I hope you die of Dysentery!!!" at the 3 kids that proved better than me at finding the dictionary.

Cursive- The art of writing has changed so much that schools are not even teaching how to write in cursive. Though I have not given up on this one, since when I am 85 years old and the world needs cursive writing translators, I will be able to have a little extra cash for the hookers and blow. (Don't judge, we all can make our own choices as how to spend our old age)

I can't imagine how old I am going to feel when I am actually old. It sucks that at 32 years old, I already have a "when I was in school ...." story.



Honorable mentions:

ROYGBIV- Yea, I get it.... there are lots of colors when light hits water, woohoo. I appreciate whom ever came up with this funky little acronym, however, I can not name a single time in my life that it was imperative that I knew how to put the colors in order.

Kingdom, Phylum, Class, Order, Family, Genus, Species- This wasn't hard to learn forever once I realized that King Phillip Came Over For Good Sex, but it is just one more thing I have never in my life needed to reference to make my point.

No matter how you score it "unemployed" is worth more points than "employed" in Scrabble. I win!

No matter how you score it, "unemployed" is worth more points than "Employed" in Scabble...I win.

There are only a few things more awkward than having the Grim Reaper tap your friend on the shoulder and say "hey you need to come with me" while you are trying to enjoy some adult beverages after work. Not only is it a bit awkward, but it is a total buzz kill.

I quit my job last week. I walked out in a blaze of glory... So I might not have used the classic style of Steven Slater, but in my defense, my job did not have an emergency chute to pull. But I did turn in my notice and was immediately walked to the door with my entire staff throwing slurs and insults to the HR lady that was acting as my escort. Quitting your job seriously frees up the schedule. I now have an extra 10 hours a day to clean, run errands, cook, watch court tv, or plan for my future hang out in bars all day.
[Image]

The day after I quit, I was sitting at my bar with a friend and a guy with a service animal came and sat next to us. Now I have worked with people with disabilities for almost 10 years and I am slightly attune to disability etiquette. I have learned that you are not supposed to rip off someone's prosthetic leg and hit them with it. I have learned that you are not supposed to roll someone in a wheelchair down a bowling lane. I have learned that you are not supposed to ask a midget to dress up like a cowboy and dance. Most importantly, I have learned that you should never touch someones cane, wheelchair, service animal or other assistive device without permission. It was in the name of proper etiquette, that you can imagine my discomfort when I look up and see the Dog up on the bench licking my friend face. I told my friend that he should not be playing with the cute guy while he was working. I barely got the words out when I realized that he did not tell the dog to get up on the table. The owner of the dog spoke up and asked "Have you been to the hospital recently? This animal is trained to alert to disease."

It is awkward no matter how you replay it. We all sat there for a few minutes in uncomfortable silence thinking about how pathetic it is that even this dog had a job and I didn't.

Another One Rides the Short Bus

There is nothing wrong with coming home after a long, hard, day with a bottle of gas station Merlot, squeezing booty shorts over my fat @ss, crawling into bed and drinking the gas station nectar from the bottle while eating cold condensed Cream of Mushroom soup out of the can with a fork ...... I can't believe you actually believe that, that would be absurd.... of course I used a spoon.

But I do think it is wrong that, when I am in my comfy place and wallowing in my tears of discontent for what my life has become and I decide to take my mind off of things by starting an intellectual conversation about how unfortunate it is that the Accordion had ONE chance to be cool and Weird Al ruined it... and my conversation gets trumped by SSDP**, who starts listing off every song Weird Al ever recorded. (ALMOST every song... he forgot "I Think I'm a Clone Now", but who can blame him, that song was YEARS before it's time). He didn't even go to the internet. It was like his brain had been waiting for this moment since 1983 and had every song waiting in some horrible synapse queue just waiting to rapid fire.

You live with someone 7 years and think you have a firm grasp on who you think they are and *WHAM* one day you learn he is Weird Al's #1 fan. The only way I know to cope with this insanity is to open another can of soup.

**SSDP = Subliminally Silent Domestic Partner (he could use a shorter name)

All the good jokes are Argon

First, they tell me Pluto is not a planet, then the Food Pyramid turns into a plate and NOW there are 2 new elements on the Periodic Table. Next, they are going to find proof that Iowa exists.

I think midgets are dancing in my peripheral vision, but I can't be certain

Two days ago my eye decided to take on a life of its own. It was like it had been secretly working out with the Shake Weight while I was sleeping and became a huge, buff monster over night. I decided to do what any sane person would do in this situation, I went online and started diagnosing. I was able to immediately rule out meningitis, an Indonesian Parasite and the clap. To my horror, I was not able to rule out bugs laying eggs in my eye lid and pink eye. The internet became overwhelming with information as soon as I saw the words "lance" and "drain". Those are two words that should never be associated with the eyeball. I decided that I either have a Stye or the rapture actually happened last week and the plagues were starting.

I began getting worried that I would have to live the rest of my life in with Uni-Vision. The "camera one, camera two" game that I amuse my self with 8 hours a day every now and then, would be a thing of the past. I might have to answer to "cyclops" the rest of my life.

Thank goodness I work with such knowledgeable people that could not take another day looking at my grotesque eye truly wanted to help me.

Coworker: My mom used to use Boric Acid
Me: My mom always told me to keep things that ended in "acid" away from my eye.
CW: No seriously... she mixed it with water and it worked.
Me: The only thing I know to use Boric Acid for is to kill roaches, which I guess, without a proper diagnosis, could really take care of my 2 leading ideas.
CW: If you have bug eggs in your eye, I am not your friend anymore.
Me: You are trying to get me to put Acid in my eye (and not the fun kind)... sounds like you are already not my friend.

I lived in the south long enough to know that some things that sound crazy, can often be REALLY good advice. I spent my 20's standing on my head and I never once ended up pregnant. Regrettably, I stepped on a lot of cracks and my dad had back surgery 3 years ago. I spent 5 years eating Apple Jacks EVERYDAY and it really did keep the doctor away. Don't get me wrong.... I am not trying to make a case that I should be pouring Boric Acid in my eye, but thinking about all these Old Wives Tales does bring to question that whole myth about masturbation causing blindness. Given my current eye situation, maybe this is just how it starts. *just saying*

It is hard to respect the game when a light up jean jacket is involved.

It is Memorial Day and that can only mean one thing.... I am hanging out in my living room fort hiding from Lee Greenwood.

That's right, we all have our arch nemesis. USA has Celine Dione, Zack Morris had Mr. Belding, Cookie Monster had Vegetables, Inspector Gadget had the Claw and Sloth had Genetics. Mine has always been Lee Greenwood.

I have never once uttered the words "Man I wish we could find a Lee Greenwood concert", yet I have somehow been in the audience at least 25 times. It is as if 25 flash mobs have spontaneously formed around me. He always picks a 3 day weekend (usually July 4th, Memorial Day, or Veteran's Day) and he tricks me into being in public place and then, without out any warning, he appears in his American Flag Jean Jacket and serenades me with how proud he is to be an American. It is as if Lee Greenwood can craft a stage in 3 seconds flat. It is the equivalent to being on Nickelodeon and unknowing saying "I don't know", only Lee Greenwood uses the rhythmic beating of his patriotism as his green slime. He has foiled my plans in Georgia, Florida, Virgina, Boston, Alabama, Washington DC, South Carolina, AND North Carolina. It doesn't matter where I am, what time of day it is, who I am with, or what my level of sobriety is.

It has been 3 years since I last found myself at a Lee Greenwood concert. I do not want to speak too soon, but it is 7pm on another American holiday and I am still peacefully laying in my living room fort and Lee has not shown up yet. I am in no way saying that I think I have defeated my Nemesis, however, I feel like I have won another round. Until next time.....

3rd Grade Is NOT What It Used To Be

Sorry Stanley, we can't party like we are Charlie Sheen

Just when I thought no one wanted to come to NYC and hang out with me anymore, I came home and found Flat Stanley at my door waiting to start his NYC adventure. He came with instructions telling me to "take Stanley around my city while he is visiting and keep a journal of his exciting time". The instructions are quite ridiculous, since I very rarely, if ever, follow the instructions. I have decided to keep a photo journal, since I can not be bothered to write. I already had some great plans come to mind and thought I was going to show him a week he would never forget. Some early ideas:

~ Buying sex toys in the Village
~ Riding the mechanical bull at Johnny Utah's
~ a rousing game of "Poke the bum"
~ "Polar Bear swim" in the fountain at Washington Square Park
~ Drag Show
~ A historic trip to the Chelsea Hotel to see where Sid killed Nancy
~ Riding on the outside of the Subway car
~ Buying some heroin in Tompkins Square (don't judge, HE'S ON VACATION!!)
~ Going through the Phone Booth at Crif Dog (I bet he has never been to a Speakeasy)
~ Spitting off the Empire State Building
~ 5 words: NIGHT - CLUB - SWIM - UP - BAR in Time Square

Those were just the first ideas that came to mind. As I sat down to plan out his trip, I realized that the address to send Stanley off to is a...wait for it.... A CATHOLIC SCHOOL!!!!

Now being a prisoner product of Catholic School myself, I can see this being a vindication against the 13 years that institution robbed me of. I can't control my mind from thinking that maybe Stanley also needs to witness an abortion, attend a Gay marriage (and then covet the spouse), stand outside St. Peter's with a sign reading "Keep your Dogma on a leash"and get herpes from a hooker in the Bronx. However, the kid that sent this to me, also has a mother, and that mother trusted that her son would not be totally corrupted by Stanley's vacation has to show her face at PTA meetings.

Now I need help planning out Stanley's week. If the fun has to stay "Clean", I fear I know nothing about entertaining him. Please help, what would you do in NYC if you were as lame as the Catholic Church?

No silly, the Peep is NOT smoking Meth, he is having babies.

Maybe you haven't heard yet, but soon I will not be able to make cupcakes anymore. I haven't been this sad since NERF took all the fun out of the machine gun, which lets face it, ever since ammo turned to foam, we have all turned into a country of pussies. Kids no longer learn important lessons that can only be learned by a brutal game of Shoot the Freak....or wait, are we a nation of pussies because of the Snookie hair bump... no, no definitely because of NERF, and not because they ruined good American gun play, but because they spell there name in all caps which lead to the cap locks button being put on the keyboard, which led to old people YELLING EVERYTHING THEY TYPE ON FACEBOOK. NERF is probably to blame for Farmville, too. NERF is the devil!

I never thought my Easy Bake Oven would have "specialty parts" but now I have 10 months to collect as many 100-watt light bulbs as possible. (Beavis says: "hee hee, that's what the Meth addict said") My microwave and oven privileges have been removed ever since the Peeps Holocaust of 2008, which is still unfair since I REALLY thought that was how peeps made babies... It was an honest mistake that has ruined my dream of making the world's largest cake, because now I am stuck making only little teeny tiny cupcakes.... but now with this ban of 100 watt bulbs, I get NO cupcakes, not even my little tiny ones. Which is upsetting for 1 major reason: A cupcake's sole purpose in it's little life is to deliver mass amounts of rainbow sprinkles to my mouth. (It is kinda like how broccoli was made to deliver ranch)

Just another thing I am convinced NERF is responsible for.

DON'T FREAK OUT, BUT TOMORROW IS PINSTRIPE SUIT DAY!!!!!!

Old Awesome Me:
~ happy kicking it in my ripped up jeans and converse kicks.
~ not caring if my clothes meet societal standards on what matched since I am expert at tying the outfit together with knee high socks that contained a multitude of colors
~ a refreshing ale in my hand
~ messenger bag (minimal holes)
~ singing and dancing in the street because at least 1 dance party a day was mandatory and should be shared with traffic
~ unable to properly use ipod, since I still sing out loud
~ hilarious, at least in my own head
~ would rather spend $2.00 on Febreeze than $5.50 on laundry


Current Corporate Me:
~ no longer aware of what day of the week it is, since my days have been renamed Blue suit day, Black suit day, Gray suit day, Brown suit day, and Pinstripe Suit day.
~ walking into clothing stores and forcing myself to cry so a nice sales lady will take pity on me and tell me what clothes I need. (and by "forcing" I mean "have a debilitating anxiety attack from shopping and fall fetal position in a store sobbing like a blue haired lady watching Richard Simmons sweat to the oldies)
~ asking random people on the street if my shirt matches my suit, since I now have to care and I have lived 32 years without learning this skill.
~ wearing something called "Trouser socks" everyday (I can't make this crap up)
~ Brushing my hair
~ required to dry cleaning 40% of all my clothes
~ having my sense of humor sucked away faster than my soul


Seeing as though it has only taken 3 weeks to get to this new me, I think I need to start accepting that I will be "I NEVER MEANT TO BE THIS PERSON me". If I have done the math right, by August 23, 2011 this will be an accurate description of me:

I NEVER MEANT TO BE THIS PERSON AND AM TOTALLY EMBARRASSED ABOUT IT me
~ Always holding my No Fat Sugar Free Soy Venti Cold press Chai Latte With a Shot
~ Running home from work to assure I am not late to my pilates class
~ arguing with co-workers that my Coach bag is in fact real
~ Blue Tooth in ear
~ The only meal I know is organic salads
~ Sitting at dinner talking about the stimulating article I read in the New York Times about the stock market
~ looking back at "Old Awesome Me" and saying "That's not funny, that's stupid, why would midgets be funny?"

Moral of the story: I am REALLY good at Crossword puzzles

You ever find yourself in a situation and have no clue how you got there?

Like the time I found myself wearing a tiara and angle wings at the mall trying to buy petrified poo at Spencer's or the time I found myself single-handedly leading a group of 100+ drunks in my version of the Chicken Dance while wearing booty shorts and knee high rainbow socks or the time I woke up in a neighbors apartment at 5pm surrounded by baby dolls that all had bodies painted hot pink and their heads torn off or the time I was at a Bacholrette party in Huntsville, AL with a bunch of girls I barely knew where I proceeded to dress the bride in a toga and took her out for a fancy dinner at Taco Bell. Though these are moments in my life that I have no explanation for, I can accept that they are just quick moments that I was able to sober up and move on from. It has been many moons since I have lived a true "How The Hell Did I Get Here?" moment. I thought these moments had come to an end in my life due to being too old to have fun the fact that finishing my Crossword puzzle before bed is about all the fun I can handle these days, but it seems 2011 is a time of renewed hope in the "How The Hell Did I Get Here?" moments. I just never would have guessed the sick Karma it would entail.

It wasn't long ago that I was sitting at home in my pajamas watching daytime tv while drinking wine and eating popcorn, trying to determine the main demographic for court tv by the style of commercials being shown. (So far I have decided that the main demographic is old black ladies with dentures, diabetes, feminine itch, problems controlling urination and an affinity for yogurt and renting computers so they can sell their gold online.) I was working a job where I was getting spit on by schizophrenics, leading dance parties while wearing my "work Sombrero", not to be confused by my "couch tiara", using words like "asshat"and "douche bag" and making pets out of my office supplies. ie:
I wore comfortable clothing and continued to point and laugh at all the Yuppies on the train wearing suits while I tapped dance every morning just to prove how comfortable my footwear was. I knew EXACTLY how I got to this point.....years of drunken decision making.

You can imagine my horror when I woke up a week ago and proceeded to........ put on a business suit, heeled shoes, took the train to downtown Manhattan, got off at the Wall St. station and proceeded to my corner office at a nonprofit worth $6mil, where I spent the day talking with the CEO because I am directly under her in the chain of command. It took until about 9am for me to look around and question "How The Hell Did I Get Here (and why do my feet hurt so damn bad?".

Apparently, I have turned into a Yuppie over night. I do not have the slightest clue how I got here and something tells me that simply sobering up is not going to help this one. Karma hits with a vengeance. I know I have done some bad things in my life (although, I still hold to the story that I thought it was Hungry Hungry Hippo laying dormant waiting to pounce when I stomped on that sleeping bum). I am what I have feared for my entire life, I am a Young Urban Professional, and now I wear my scarlet letter as a blazer 5 days a week.

Ultimately, I blame Scott Baio. If he hadn't stepped down, I would not have to be in charge.

WWABD? ---What Would Archie Bunker Do?

I would never have learned the word "whitewash" had it not been for Mark Twain. I find it interesting that now I actually have a reason to use this word to describe another one of his novels. Huckleberry Finn, arguably, one of the most influential books of American history is in the process of being whitewashed in the most horrific ways. Dr. Alan Gribben working to republish this book while removing the word "nigger" and "injun" and to replace them with much more PC words like "slave" and "Indian". He claims that "merely making a small change so that English teachers are no longer embarrassed to read out loud in class".

"A small change"..... again, to make sure it sinks in... "a small change". This is like saying the economy has hit a "small speed bump", or the War on Terror is a "small expense", or that losing my virginity to a trucker named Bubba at a truck stop was a "small lapse in judgment". There are quite a few reasons this is equal to desecrating the fabric of our country.

I will start with the fact that it is impossible to learn from history, when you do not teach history. As a country we have, and are still in the process, of making HUGE mistakes. The good that comes out of these mistakes is that we study them, we review where things went wrong and we respond by avoiding making the same mistakes and educating our children on how to not make the same mistakes. Huck Finn would not be the literary piece it is if the language had been toned down. It goes down in history as a Great American Novel because it packed such a huge punch. The language was indicative of the time and the story that was being told. It was published in 1885, a time when this word was VERY prevalent. Reading it in 2011, there is quite a severe reaction to the language used.... THAT IS THE POINT!!!! We should be proud that we cringe reading those words out loud in a classroom. That "cringe" is the feeling of growth as a nation. We have come a long way, not nearly far enough, past the times of slavery, but is not a reason to forget a significant era in American History. Our children should continue learning about this history so they will be inspired to continue the changes that are too slow to happen. You can tell your kids "the stove is hot, don't touch it" but they generally learn this lesson by experiencing the feeling of "HOLY HELL THAT IS HOT". The same concept applies here. They need a chance to experience the feeling they get by learning our history so they can continue the work of the ones that have given their lives to making a change.

Next, I do not see how anyone can make such significant changes to a novel and still have the nerve to publish it with the same authors name on it. Taking the n-word out of Huck Finn is about the same to me as putting the Zombies in Pride and Prejudice. At least they had the sense to not publish under Jane Austen's name. Making these changes will make the story a watered down tale that Mark Twain would not have been a part of.

I wonder if they have thought about what this means for Literature as a whole. Should we make sure that the autobiography of Malcom X gets re-written? Gone with the Wind? To Kill A Mockingbird? Of Mice and Men? Lord of the Flies? This is just off the top of my head, I am sure the list could go on and on.

We are ok with our kids watching South Park, Jersey Shore, Bad Girls, 16 and pregnant, Family Guy, A Shot at Love with Tila Tequila, The Real Housewives of whatever crappy city you choose to be in, but we have a problem when they want to pick up a classic book that will expose them to language used in a context that will open them up to having a conversation about things that have been done wrong in the past and letting them talk about ways things could be done in the future.

It seems we should have learned our lesson by now, that closing our eyes and pretending that problems are not there is exactly what is wrong with the world. By choosing to covering up history because we are embarrassed and don't want to face it, we are doing more damage than good. Books like this, that hit on the core issues of the time they are written have more to teach kids than it has to damage them.

It is the ignorant that glorify our past because they don't know better. Deciding to whitewash classic literature is a decision to raise every generation that comes behind us as ignorant.

- Thanks Toni for pissing me off enough to write this-