6.01.2011

I think midgets are dancing in my peripheral vision, but I can't be certain

Two days ago my eye decided to take on a life of its own. It was like it had been secretly working out with the Shake Weight while I was sleeping and became a huge, buff monster over night. I decided to do what any sane person would do in this situation, I went online and started diagnosing. I was able to immediately rule out meningitis, an Indonesian Parasite and the clap. To my horror, I was not able to rule out bugs laying eggs in my eye lid and pink eye. The internet became overwhelming with information as soon as I saw the words "lance" and "drain". Those are two words that should never be associated with the eyeball. I decided that I either have a Stye or the rapture actually happened last week and the plagues were starting.

I began getting worried that I would have to live the rest of my life in with Uni-Vision. The "camera one, camera two" game that I amuse my self with 8 hours a day every now and then, would be a thing of the past. I might have to answer to "cyclops" the rest of my life.

Thank goodness I work with such knowledgeable people that could not take another day looking at my grotesque eye truly wanted to help me.

Coworker: My mom used to use Boric Acid
Me: My mom always told me to keep things that ended in "acid" away from my eye.
CW: No seriously... she mixed it with water and it worked.
Me: The only thing I know to use Boric Acid for is to kill roaches, which I guess, without a proper diagnosis, could really take care of my 2 leading ideas.
CW: If you have bug eggs in your eye, I am not your friend anymore.
Me: You are trying to get me to put Acid in my eye (and not the fun kind)... sounds like you are already not my friend.

I lived in the south long enough to know that some things that sound crazy, can often be REALLY good advice. I spent my 20's standing on my head and I never once ended up pregnant. Regrettably, I stepped on a lot of cracks and my dad had back surgery 3 years ago. I spent 5 years eating Apple Jacks EVERYDAY and it really did keep the doctor away. Don't get me wrong.... I am not trying to make a case that I should be pouring Boric Acid in my eye, but thinking about all these Old Wives Tales does bring to question that whole myth about masturbation causing blindness. Given my current eye situation, maybe this is just how it starts. *just saying*


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