Judge Judy is Bad For the Economy

It has been a  few years now that I have been hearing people complain about the unemployment rate and the fact that it is "literally impossible" to find a job.   I never understood this and here is why....

I have spent the last 5 years working with schizophrenics in a role where my main outcome of success was getting them to the point that they could understand and manage their symptoms enough to gain and maintain competitive employment.   A typical client would come to me with last weeks' Chinese food stuck in his unkempt beard, wearing 3 winter coats over his purple uni-tard in the summer time (none of which had been washed in the 10 years since they got them from Salvation Army).   It was normal for clients to randomly stand up in the middle of working on interviewing skills in order to belt out the most interesting rendition of "You're a Grand Old Flag" you have ever heard.

As far as it being "literally impossible" to find a job... MANY of these severely mentally ill people, with all kinds of abnormal characteristics, were able to find a job.  Not only a job, but one that lead to a sense of purpose and one that they enjoyed going to everyday.  I always judged fully functioning and capable humans that complained they couldn't work when I would see Mr. Crazy Pants getting and keeping a job..... Until now!

I have been unemployed since I moved from NYC to Atlanta. Almost a full 2 months.  I now fully understand what they mean when they say the economy is rough.  There are SO many obstacles to finding and securing a  job.  The following is a small (not by any means complete) list of obstacles I am encountering.

~ Court TV is on for 6 hours a day. Judge Joe Brown, Judge Alex, Judge Judy, People's Court, etc.  The cable company is clearly run by the 1%.  I can not think of a better way to hold the American people down then to put on a constant running stream of quality tv programming.  Everyone knows that very bad things happen when you don't listen to Judge Judy!

~ My back yard looks like a rainforest and that means that I need to spend probably another 4 hours a day designing an Ewok village for my back yard. Right now the design has 4 tree houses and 5 walking bridges between them all.  It would be completely irresponsible of me to not have a decent space for the Ewok invasion on 12/21/12. 

~  My Xbox gave me the "Red Ring of Death", which sounds like a blessing in disguise since I need to be looking for a job and not playing Xbox, but now I have about 50 games that need to be re-saved to the new hard drive.  This takes up the rest of the day.

~ Vodka- 'nuff said.

I am starting to learn that it might, in fact, be LITERALLY IMPOSSIBLE to find a job. 

Curiosity Blows Up and Covers The Cat With Toxic Glue While it Sleeps

I have successfully moved into my new home and am now starting to notice all the unique characteristics of my house. Mostly normal stuff, like how every bathroom has an air vent right next to the toilet so that you end up freezing while trying to piss or the super industrial springs in our 1950 windows that will occasionally propel the window open with no notice, leaving me scared for my life until I realize the noise was not me getting shot in a drive by, but just the window opening itself. Today I noticed a pile of saw dust that I had already cleaned up. It is a magical little hill that just keeps coming back under the window sill. I started to inspect the wall and there is no sign of where it is coming from except for a tiny little hole underneath the window. I am very familiar with Carpenter Bees, those are the ones that are the size of a dog and will chase you down the street threatening to sting you while flying kamikaze style into your head, attempting to give you a concussion, but we have not seen any of those bees around. I decided that I needed to ask the Google for advice. BIG MISTAKE!

I was able to quickly rule out killer whales, bats, Sasquatch, and midgets. I continued on with a false sense of security that with all those ruled out, the problem could not be too bad. I have not been this wrong since the time I diagnosed myself on WebMD with Foreign Accent Syndrome. The following discovery is proof that ignorance is bliss and you should by no means use the internet to educate yourself.

Turns out I have Carpenter Ants. At first, I got pretty excited because we have been paying a contractor to do a bunch of work on the house, and I had visions of saving money by training the ants to frame out the basement for us. I started doing research on how to train them and I discovered that not only are they untrainable, but they don't actually build anything either. In fact they eat holes through your walls in order to appease the queen by making her a bigger nest. Why is there ALWAYS a woman behind EVERYTHING evil?!!? Normally, I only read the top line of Wikipedia. I find that is normally enough info to claim that I am an expert on any given subject, but the bottom of the article caught my attention.

Also called, Exploding Ants: 'The Ants' feature greatly enlarged mandibular glands that run the entire length of the ant's body. They can release their contents suicidally, rupturing the ant's body and spraying toxic substance from the head, which gives these species the common name "exploding ants." The ant has an enormously enlarged mandibular gland, many times the size of a normal ant, which produces the glue. The glue bursts out and entangles and immobilizes all nearby victims -Wikipedia.

Like most people, I have spent hundreds, if not thousands, of hours thinking about what my defense mechanism would be if I had not been lucky enough to be born near the top of the food chain. When it comes to survival tactics, I have always wanted to function like a Sea Cucumber. They can make change forms from liquid to solid and even turn their bodies inside out in order to elude alien evasions, flesh eating bacteria, or being captured by terrorists. They are much like the Wonder Twins without the need of the pesky unitard. I have NEVER once thought about spontaneously blowing my body up in order to attack intruders. This might be the worst defense mechanism in the animal kingdom!

Screw Al Qaeda, I am living with the real terroists!