Moral of the story: I am REALLY good at Crossword puzzles

You ever find yourself in a situation and have no clue how you got there?

Like the time I found myself wearing a tiara and angle wings at the mall trying to buy petrified poo at Spencer's or the time I found myself single-handedly leading a group of 100+ drunks in my version of the Chicken Dance while wearing booty shorts and knee high rainbow socks or the time I woke up in a neighbors apartment at 5pm surrounded by baby dolls that all had bodies painted hot pink and their heads torn off or the time I was at a Bacholrette party in Huntsville, AL with a bunch of girls I barely knew where I proceeded to dress the bride in a toga and took her out for a fancy dinner at Taco Bell. Though these are moments in my life that I have no explanation for, I can accept that they are just quick moments that I was able to sober up and move on from. It has been many moons since I have lived a true "How The Hell Did I Get Here?" moment. I thought these moments had come to an end in my life due to being too old to have fun the fact that finishing my Crossword puzzle before bed is about all the fun I can handle these days, but it seems 2011 is a time of renewed hope in the "How The Hell Did I Get Here?" moments. I just never would have guessed the sick Karma it would entail.

It wasn't long ago that I was sitting at home in my pajamas watching daytime tv while drinking wine and eating popcorn, trying to determine the main demographic for court tv by the style of commercials being shown. (So far I have decided that the main demographic is old black ladies with dentures, diabetes, feminine itch, problems controlling urination and an affinity for yogurt and renting computers so they can sell their gold online.) I was working a job where I was getting spit on by schizophrenics, leading dance parties while wearing my "work Sombrero", not to be confused by my "couch tiara", using words like "asshat"and "douche bag" and making pets out of my office supplies. ie:
I wore comfortable clothing and continued to point and laugh at all the Yuppies on the train wearing suits while I tapped dance every morning just to prove how comfortable my footwear was. I knew EXACTLY how I got to this point.....years of drunken decision making.

You can imagine my horror when I woke up a week ago and proceeded to........ put on a business suit, heeled shoes, took the train to downtown Manhattan, got off at the Wall St. station and proceeded to my corner office at a nonprofit worth $6mil, where I spent the day talking with the CEO because I am directly under her in the chain of command. It took until about 9am for me to look around and question "How The Hell Did I Get Here (and why do my feet hurt so damn bad?".

Apparently, I have turned into a Yuppie over night. I do not have the slightest clue how I got here and something tells me that simply sobering up is not going to help this one. Karma hits with a vengeance. I know I have done some bad things in my life (although, I still hold to the story that I thought it was Hungry Hungry Hippo laying dormant waiting to pounce when I stomped on that sleeping bum). I am what I have feared for my entire life, I am a Young Urban Professional, and now I wear my scarlet letter as a blazer 5 days a week.

Ultimately, I blame Scott Baio. If he hadn't stepped down, I would not have to be in charge.