7.08.2011

Don't worry, Radio Star... The Video Star will get his.

Here is a list of totally useless things I was forced to learn that are now just useless things I carry with me to make me feel old.


Spelling-
OMG, WTF!! No 1 spells wrds N-E-more. I haven't had to spell a word correctly on my own in 15 years. Why would I? There is an aggressive red line that shows up under any error I make. Isn't that gr8?

Phonics- It only took me 2 years of being hooked on phonics before I realized I was the only idiot speaking correctly.

"You have to work hard to get rewards"- I learned that there was one winner and a bunch of losers in every competition. I learned that I was not owed something, just because I showed up. I learned that I would have to follow a winner into an alley and beat them up and steal their trophy in order to own one. Now teachers just change grades to assure each kid passes, even the kid in out field picking his nose gets a trophy and everyone gets to eat the pizza on "Pizza Friday" whether they finished their BOOK IT list or not.

Writing Essays- They were ALWAYS more than 150 characters. I prove my point.

Dewey Decimal System- I had to know which tiny wooden drawer to open and then which one of the 500 index cards in it would lead me to information on forming my occult in 3rd grade. Not to mention, as soon as I found all the books I needed, I was allowed to play Oregon Trail. With only 3 computers for a class of 13, it was in my best interest to get good at locating books so I didn't have to stand on the side and scream "I hope you die of Dysentery!!!" at the 3 kids that proved better than me at finding the dictionary.

Cursive-
The art of writing has changed so much that schools are not even teaching how to write in cursive. Though I have not given up on this one, since when I am 85 years old and the world needs cursive writing translators, I will be able to have a little extra cash for the hookers and blow. (Don't judge, we all can make our own choices as how to spend our old age)


I can't imagine how old I am going to feel when I am actually old. It sucks that at 32 years old, I already have a "when I was in school ...." story.



Honorable mentions:

ROYGBIV- Yea, I get it.... there are lots of colors when light hits water, woohoo. I appreciate whom ever came up with this funky little acronym, however, I can not name a single time in my life that it was imperative that I knew how to put the colors in order.

Kingdom, Phylum, Class, Order, Family, Genus, Species- This wasn't hard to learn forever once I realized that King Phillip Came Over For Good Sex, but it is just one more thing I have never in my life needed to reference to make my point.

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